Having a blog is like writing in a diary and leaving it open on the counter, hoping someone picks it up and reads it, and maybe adds a sticky note in response. I have been writing only sporadically, due to life and work demands (yada yada), but I expect that I will become more disciplined (HA!) and write more often.

It occurs to me that I write more in the aftermath of life's events, times right after a big stress, good or bad, when I'm able to breathe, contemplate and reflect on what just happened. Today this feels like a Jupiter place - expansive, generous, and open to possibilities.  Many bad things have been happening to me, just like to everyone it seems.  I guess I'm lucky because I feel my emotions intensely. While they can be frightening and overwhelming, when I'm done feeling the pain, it feels like a new day.  Today I want to stop suffering. The bad news is that I am totally responsible for my life and how I feel. The good news is that I'm totally responsible for my life and how I feel.  (repeat)


These have been difficult times for so many of us that the collective angst is getting to me, along with my own angst. What happened to the bliss?  Where is the happiness?  Am I getting too used to being sad?  Have I made friends with depression?  I have a dog who lives to chase squirrels. I have a number of cats, and they have all tried to teach me how to be happy in the now. I have a lot to be thankful for. I will give it a try. 

Okay, I just tried it. I found out that what I want isn't here and now.  I really want to feel loved by a lover whom I love.  I am longing for this connection. I feel lonely. I understand that we are all alone.  I understand I need to love myself this way. I think I do a pretty good job. But what I really want is a sweet caress, a long intimate look, a slow and persistent kiss.  I have lovers who love me, but alas; their lives are as full of angst as mine.  I am loved, but my heart is still yearning to connect and go as deep as I can go. The bliss is very hard to find, the happiness feels very far away and long ago.  I look up at the sky and watch the geese heading home, the hawks soaring in the updrafts, and I want to fly with someone.  Oh lover, where are you?
 


Comments

Marco

Thu, 08 Apr 2010 3:46:04 pm

I feel you. Whenever I'm yearning for that deep bliss, or at least a substitute, I put in my ear buds and hit play. After all, I am a music junkie.

But I'd say we all feel how you feel at times.

 

The Alchemist

Sat, 17 Apr 2010 11:32:43 am

We all feel that deep deep yearning to be known, to be accepted, to be loved and desired for who we are without question. You are never alone, you have scores of kindred spirits on that count. I am one. We are taught in so many ways that’s its not safe to love. So we unconsciously protect our hearts. We have parents who couldn’t love. We have a culture that deifies fierce independence. We have been taught that it’s better to buy something new rather than repair what’s broken. How many of us know how to drop all our defenses, or even want to? How many of us have the courage and strength to stand emotionally naked in front of a lover regardless of the fear of rejection? It is as someone once said “An empty-handed leap into the void”. One we all must take if we are to reach that place of deep connection, as you and I both want.

 

wanderin'

Tue, 18 May 2010 12:00:39 pm

your writing strikes a deep chord, it is clear and concise. your thoughts so clearly, vividly expressed. thank you

 

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