Hello. Thank you for joining me.  Welcome to my space, VenusAquarius.  Here we will be talking about issues of love, intimacy, radical relationships, and sexuality.

In fact, I am attempting to write ‘The Book of Love’.  I seek to redefine love in practical ways, not in the ways that we are misled by popular culture. I will be talking about love from a spiritual perspective. I will be dispelling those myths that cloud our understanding of how to obtain intimacy. I want to share 'The Book of Love' because this is what the world needs now. I am starting here. 

Topic #1: Love is turning off our judgmental thoughts, controlling our emotions that arise based on our assumptions, and paying attention to our unexamined thinking (which results from past suffering and our focus on our own agenda).  While we may totally adore our loved one during the first trimester, soon they shock us with their ability to hurt our feelings.  We must stop thinking of our loved one as ‘out to get us’. They are not trying to hurt us.  (If you think your loved one IS out to hurt you, please contact a supportive group such as the YWCA.)  

Topic #2:  We must commit to actively loving ourselves the way we want others to love us.  I credit my current and past lovers, and my animals (especially my cat Pan), for helping me see the truth of this essential understanding (more on Pan later.)

Let’s look at these one at a time:

Judgmental thoughts arise when we think we have the answer, when we ‘know better’ than others what is right. IF we are lucky, we know what is right for ourselves. (How many times have I been wrong about that – uncountable!)  Before I proceed, I must first address the ‘essential minimal threshold’ (the EMT): that one knows how to tell if a situation or person is a threat to their basic safety.  Obviously I care about establishing the EMT: that the person you are with is safe to be with.  (If you think that the person you are with, or with someone you know, is not safe, please proceed to the nearest exit.) Even this can be tricky. However, this kind of judging is critically important if we, or those we love, are in danger from emotional or physical abuse.  

The problem is, those most at risk are often least likely to be able to objectively judge this situation.  For this discussion, we must assume that we have chosen to associate with people that meet a certain threshold for personal safety.  Once we have achieved that, and here’s the clincher: we have no right to judge another’s actions, lifestyle, choices, modes of expression, etc. Why? When we judge we lose the opportunity to understand, we create a wall instead of a bridge.  To achieve this goal means keeping our opinions about others to ourselves, and recognizing these opinions for what they are: our ego preening itself.

Example #1:  It is not my business whether my lover goes to therapy, loses weight, gets a different job, gets some medical procedure done, is attracted to someone else, or even shares my values. This has been a really a hard one for me to let go of.  I have often felt that I did have valuable insights or knowledge that I could impart to my loved ones.  If they would only listen to me and take my advice, they would be better off.  I may be partially right, in that sometimes I can be intuitive and perceptive, and I can see a path that could benefit someone else if they would just take it.  But....
 
I can’t possibly be 100% right, as I have no real idea what the other person needs.  Furthermore, the act of giving advice creates a ‘one up, one down’ relationship, a dynamic that is not conducive to intimacy.  It’s sending the wrong message: that my judgment of them is, they are somehow lacking; and my judgment of myself is, I have the answer. The ego loves this game and it is a hard one to control. 

Of course, there are times when a timely word of caution, a suggestion, our opinion, can be helpful. Again, if you feel that the person you love is about to embark on a life threatening adventure, your direct intervention may be prudent.  We would do better to see these as rare and special circumstances, not commonplace. Those of us who grew up in very dysfunctional homes may not be able to readily ascertain when this is the case.  Practice and therapy helps.

Next Time: In my next conversation, I will describe three more examples of when we get in our own way and damage our chances for intimacy.  Please, if you have a thought about this, I’d like to hear it. Comments are welcome.
 


Comments

Aedan

Tue, 12 Jan 2010 9:24:19 pm

Wow! That is truly a subversive and radical idea! That we have no right to judge our partners actions is wildly outside the norm. Very Buddhist! Thanks for sparking some serious contemplation!

 

Amy

Wed, 13 Jan 2010 5:53:38 pm

I try not to judge, but I find myself assuming that others are judging me (often a wrong assumption). Is that in and of itself a form of judgment? I.e., am I being judgmental in assuming that others are judgmental?

 

Venus Aquarius

Wed, 13 Jan 2010 7:02:35 pm

No, I think you're expressing a very common fear, of being judged. I will look at fears in my next blog. Only you can tell how you are feeling. But I believe being afraid of being judged would feel differently than being judgmental. When we judge, don't we feel a bit of smugness? Although it is interesting that you bring this up - we often assume someone is doing what we ourselves do. Very good question, Amy!

 

The Alchemist

Mon, 01 Feb 2010 8:20:23 pm

I want to comment on the comment by Loris (You had me at Hello). I don't believe the idea is to be emotionless, but rather to not react to the negative emotions you may feel until you have a handle on them, understand why you have them and are in a non-reactive place. Negative and judgmental words can harm others.

Looking forward to the next installment!

 

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